My Others: Da Runnas

I told her how lonely I've been. How weary I am of being seen as so strong and called growth like it was my name. How much I long for my others, the ones that lust for flight as strong as I do, those that put their fingers into their own gun shot wounds and pull out bullets daily. I lost my ace, well let him go, I run, I push him to run, he likes that, but really wants to walk right now. I didn't want to add to his burdens. She called said she been worried about me, that she felt I was missing something, prayed for it. Her answer was that I need my others, and that the good news was I'd already found them, the bad news was they needed to step up. She said she would get that done for me. I damn near cried. Told another how much that meant, and that i had no idea how lonely I really was til she said she'd run with me, and she said, I will too. She begged me to keep in mind they ain't where I am, to expect much work in training them & not to expect miracles, but I do, all the time, probably how I got two same day. Love flows in and out and you will always have it, long as you don't close your fist or hold on too tightly.

that that don't kill me

I'm falling again
nothin to grab hold of & I'm fallin again
slow motion & I hear nothing but my heart pounding
it feels like time has stopped
Who I am, who I want to be & how did I get here...again are all muddled
the only clear thing is machete like
the concrete rushing up
& whether this time it will be broken bones or spitting teeth & blood
I don't know
& it ain't even fear I'm mostly feeling it's exhaustion
seems like this is where I live
back pressed against hard jagged rock & monstrous cold waves rushing in
limbs so weak
struggle hard for each breath & I can't remember what I keep fighting for
home is too distant & fleeting a memory to focus in on
deep, bone tired, is all I know
voice too hoarse to call for help not enough air anyway
& from far away there is one who recognizes my spirit's dimming
& hears the cry I couldn't muster
one who resuccitates, breathes for me
inhale if ever there was one deserving of life not mere survival in struggle it's you
exhale this too shall pass
inhale you will get what you put out returned to you in full measure your sum is much greater than your mistakes it is pure love & truth
exhale we've gotta go through the dark to see the light, remember joy comes in the morning
inhale you shine bright as the messenger star & just as hard to follow, but there are wise ones now already following the signs that point to you, so don't fade before they reach you
exhale the beauty of birth is the extent of the pain you suffer for life to issue from you, heed your own truths & push now
inhale space ain't what you need, you need to know that you are precious, beautiful, & well loved & even if it is only half as much as your love, great as night sky, it is still as much as the stars within it; infinite
exhale that that don't kill you can only make your stronger & you've been here so many times before, not in vain but to strengthen you for the weight of your destiny, you may go through more than others, return here, more than others, but you will reach heights they dare not dream of
time presses on my body slams hard into the ground & before the clear cost is totaled in broken bones & blood loss
conciousness is regained & the expansive air of thruth felt
I am here alive, as whole as I choose to be
& breathing... harder than I struggled

Ooooom

Saturn Rising...maybe,
worst couple days in a minute...fa sho.

And fo real I can’t even tell you why I didn’t cry, didn’t tell nobody I felt more locked down when I got out.
Just cause you ain't in prison, don't mean you free
See the moon she was bright & her silence deafening
and sometimes too well I know you got to lean to your own understanding, my pride been with me ever,
so much so that sometime it gotta be pried from me
but I needed to know my worth, the value in these hands & that gotta be balanced by a perspective outside me.

Struggled with a love, hard to watch one heap shame and pain so high on oneself, guess I knew it was there before.

27 seem like lifetimes, like I been here too long.

I longed so hard for warmth and the ocean,
a whisper in my ear, a song sung in earnest an offering for my smile, strong arms around me, a hilltop & a clear view, I shook.

and cous came through "too decent" smelled warm with liquor & hugged tight and wouldn’t let go til I laughed. She showed such concern I was surprised, the other worked through some stuff when I was ready, I saw a good friend I so missed, and I belly laughed an afternoon away.

The weight is gone feelin good
and fo real I am lonely
and I know what is
and I won’t try to make work what don’t
I can see gray a bit, don’t all have to be so black or white
got some time, no rush
dunno if/when I’ll get it
but I know what I want

I am in my grandmother’s arms, skinned knee
there is happiness, there is peace, there’s pain
and...it....is...sweet

Sing to me baby

sing me a song, a poem, tell me a story that reminds me of us
or pop some dumb shit that'll make me laugh
anything to get me from this fork in the road
where I'm choosin between this art in my belly clawin to get out
or threatin death inside me
where the work from these hands the piece, the drawing, the film , the photos
that'll save me
or painting my colors on my hood
showing hues of accountable polticians
that spark the vision that this here shit wadn't made for us
and we gotta be about real fucking change and revolution not just rhetoric
til my sons can see past, past red white & blue electric & exciting
past be all you can be
to the red white & blue of Ayiti & what it could be
where their great grandfathers soul paused before heading to Nan Ginan
though the cold ground of Chicago grips hard his bones
to the sun & the hills & red flatlands of the diaspora
& what we could be
so I can see past the bills & bags & shoes I can't afford
to catch the eyes above strong chest & arms that could hold me
or hold my hand at this fork right now
play with me cause I didn't get to be a child long enough
& jumpin down the last set of stairs is the closest I can get
to the flight home I long for
play with me til I up my videogame game
so I can still beat the kids & give em sumthin to shoot for
cause beatin level five offers more esteem than dismissive teachers do
& mastering history & language not ours, & mathematics not supreme do
til then I'll push books on em
so they learn not only the secrets that lie within
but the art of being solitary & learning togetherness
when your daddy's pursuing courses so hard
that your tears don't breed hesitation in his step
& your mother barely exists between hi & bye
wrapped up in workplans, meetings & strategies
putting food in your tummies, keepin on a cel phone & house phone
so you can call if you need her, while you work hard at never imposing
Sing me a song, a poem, a story
that reminds me who I am, outside of the dance floor
& the occasional moments I acknowledge that I have inspired
maybe if you get tears in your eyes when you find out
I have no idea who I am other than a woman without a country
static filled speaker, too shy or filled with doubt to step to tha mic, organizer without a team, owner of tired hands & achy muscles with little to show for it
will be enough to teach me to cry for myself
til then I'll hug them hard long after they've fallen asleep
hope their dreams register my presence
their covers retain my scent
imagine your scent in my covers
pray for you & us all
struggle to muster the hope & the courage required to faithfully pray for myself
still my thumping heart & vibrations so I can feel your energy
watch the moon for glimpses of your face
& listen hard in the wind for your story, your song, your poem
hold my trembling & outstretched hand to you
& be it left or right
make my feet beat out my rhythm on this road
a rhythm I pray you can vibe to, with your story, your poem, your song